


A Hundred Too Many

by autumnyte



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Fail!sex, Humor, Kink Meme, M/M, Object Insertion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-30
Updated: 2011-06-30
Packaged: 2017-10-20 21:25:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/217239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnyte/pseuds/autumnyte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Microfill for one of the most hilarious DA Kink Meme prompts I've ever seen. Prompt:</p><p><i>Hawke and LI are introducing some sort of novelty to their sex lives. It goes horribly, hilariously wrong. Accidentally burn the house down with waxplay; alert the town guard and/or concerned neighbor brigade with loud S&M scar the sibling who overhead some disturbing roleplay; something got stuck and they had to employ outside help for extraction; embarrassing injuries that require a very revealing walk of shame to Anders' clinic.</i></p><p><i>Just make sure its so amazing they'll tell stories about it at the Hanged Man for years to come.</i></p><p><i>Bonus points if its so spectacular Hawke is no longer "Champion of Kirkwall" but "that one guy/gal who ran out into the Hightown streets naked after...." or some such variant.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	A Hundred Too Many

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm posting this insomnia-fueled insanity. Clearly, I have no shame. :)
> 
> Dear Anders and Fenris muses: this is what you get for being uncooperative with my other, serious business fill. You're welcome.

There were no two ways about it: Anders had a potato lodged up his ass.

"Check out the shape of this thing Bodahn picked up at the market!" Garrett had said with amusement earlier that evening, lewdly waving the distinctively shaped root vegetable in front of Anders's face. "Remarkable, isn't it?"

An hour later, Garrett had decided it was necessary to search frantically through the bookshelves in their study as Anders looked on in disbelief, shaking his head. "I'm certain Isabela's book on phallic tubers must be around here somewhere... a-ha!"

Two hours later, Garrett had stripped Anders naked and pinned him to the bed, kissing and teasing him in all the right places. "Please, Anders," he'd whispered. "Let's try it. It'll be like I'm fucking you and sucking you at the same time. It'll feel amazing."

And it had felt amazing, Anders had to admit, right up until he came in Garrett's mouth and his ass clenched tightly around the tuber, taking it in too deep and refusing to let it go.

"Garrett, help me get it out, please. It's becoming really uncomfortable."

"It--damn it, Anders--it won't budge."

Anders was officially panicking. They tried using extra oil; they tried shifting around to see if Garrett could get a better angle. Anders tried relaxing and taking deep breaths. Nothing worked.

"You're a healer," Garrett reminded Anders, as if the unfortunate back door predicament might have affected his memory. "Surely, there must be some magic you can use."

"You'll be surprised to know that there's no 'potato up the ass' spell. Shockingly, it's never come up before. None of my healing magic will help this, and I'm not shooting a fireball back there."

"I could use my dagger and try to cut--"

"No!"

They considered other possible options silently for a few moments. Well, silently except for Anders's occasional yelps of pain and Justice's continual monologue of "THIS SERVES US RIGHT. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ALLOW OURSELVES DISTRACTIONS."

Suddenly, Garrett's eyes widened and he sucked in a sharp breath. Anders could tell that some sort of realization dawned on him.

"What is it?" Anders shifted on his knees and winced at the pain.

"I just thought of someone who can get it out for you. But you aren't going to like the idea."

"You can't mean--"

"Fenris. He could phase that thing out of you in an instant."

"No. There's no way!" Anders was vehement. He'd rather live with the tuber. "Absolutely not."

Three-quarters of an hour later, however, Anders reached a sufficient level of desperation that Bodahn was sent to fetch Fenris and bring him back to the estate. Anders could hear Garrett's voice and Fenris's low rumble just outside the bedroom door.

"You wish me to do _what_?" Fenris shouted, loudly enough that half of Hightown could hear.

"How many times has he healed your injuries over the years? You owe him," Garrett murmured.

"Very well." Fenris sighed. "But I'm doing this for you, Hawke."

Anders closed his eyes as he heard them walk into the room. He wouldn't, _couldn't_ look at Fenris's face when the elf took in the sight of him naked and on all fours with a potato jammed up his ass. Anders flushed a deep red at the thought. Maker, he would never, ever live this down.

To Fenris's credit, he made nary a sound. Anders could feel him close behind, Justice could sense the moment when the lyrium markings ignited. Seconds later, Anders felt a warm burst of magic rush through his posterior and then the pain was gone. The object had been removed.

"Here is your... _potato_ ," Fenris said, his voice dripping with disgust. Anders heard him hand it to Garrett.

"Thank you," Anders managed, his eyes still screwed shut.

Fenris cleared his throat. "If you truly wish to thank me..."

***

"'If you truly wish to thank me, never speak of this again'," Varric offered, writing it down on the parchment before looking up at Isabela. "That's exactly what Hawke told me Fenris said. Right before he walked out."

"But that's no fun, Varric. We have to make up a better ending for the published story. How about Fenris says 'if you truly wish to thank me, let me have a go with that tuber'? Or 'if you truly wish to thank me, let me show you what else this fist can do'? And then they have a threesome."

"I'll let you run wild with writing that part, Rivaini. I'm turning in for the night."


End file.
